Monday, April 19, 2010

The Mystery of the Missing Black Panther

18 blesses 'n' curses

It was yet another day in the life of Venky. Needless to say that it was also a jobless Sunday. I woke up and as usual did my computer namaskaram and blah blah blah. I ate some heavy Pongal and didn't have anything to do but to play FIFA 09.

While i was playing FIFA 09 this happened….

FIFA 09 lapse

 

I played with Arsenal and the ball went into the net and then out, rather through it. I was cheated of a goal. Why does this happen to Arsenal always Not talking. I didn’t know that this was just the tip of the iceberg. As i was drowning my sorrows drinking Aachi Mor ( Buttermilk),I got a call from my friend “Machi! come to play @ 2pm” I replied in affirmative and didn't move a muscle till it was 2.30

 

Operation Ven-Key

It was 2.30 and i started searching for my Black panther’s key. “Amma! Where is my key” “how would I know? You are the one using itAngry”. After searching in vain, I went downstairs to see whether i had left the key in my Black Panther itself. Tada! First i couldn’t find the key and now I couldn't find my black pantherSurprise.

My relationship with the Black panther lasted since school days, It’s gone now Crying. I asked the aunty who lived at ground floor, whether she had seen it. As usual she said “ I dont know anything. Watchman left just now”

Me: Amma and Appa; my black panther is missing

Appa: Do you mean your cycle is missing? (I hate when many Ignorant people call my Black Panther as BSA AXN cycle, but i forgive their ignorance)

Amma: Did you leave the key in the cycle itself?

Me: Actually, It is “Keys” and not “Key”. Our House key was in the same key chain.Batting Eyelashes

Amma: So we have to change our house lock to save ourselves for burglary.

Appa: Hmm! Smug One good thing, we need not incur expenses on that S’crap’ cycle anymore.

COMEDY PIECE

I gave up the search and I called up friend and asked them to pick me up because i lost my black panther. Their initial reaction was “ They stole your cycle? Laughing I’ll send someone to pick you up”

My friend came by and picked me up. On our way i saw my black panther nearby “Ganga Yamuna Chaat shop”, unabated in the same position. “See people are afraid of me and my black panther, no one touched it” My friend said “ You are unbelievable,Surprise man!”. How does donkey know camphor smell? I went to my house to give the house key to my mom and escape from there.

Me: Here! take the house key.

Mom: How?

Dad: Dont tell me you found the cycle!Striaght Face

Me: I guess i have to say it. I found my Black Panther

Hypnotized………………………………………FLASHBACK…………………………………………….

It was Saturday and I accompanied my Friend to the bus stop at Ashok Nagar who came by to study with me. On my way back i stopped by the chaat shop near my home Drooling. I ate a few mirchi Bajji’s and just walked away Whistling to my home, leaving my black panther stranded.

………………………………………FLASHBACK…………………………………………….Hypnotized

Apparently It should have been there overnight. Mirchi bajji Mabbu, I say

Mom: Congrats! Feeling beat up You have crossed the line from “Irresponsible” to “totally useless”

I closed my ears Not listeningand then went to play with my friends.

The next day, as i was getting seated on my black panther,  the Aunty I enquired the other day said “So you didn't leave your cycle at the Chaat shop today? Smug

Its official! I am a “COMEDY PIECE” Raised Eyebrow


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Thursday, April 8, 2010

Pantry which made people to remove their pants

19 blesses 'n' curses

    Before you could think anything dirty about ‘removing the pants’, wipe any semblance of it. This has nothing to do with that kind of “removing the pants’.Not talking

   Travelling by train has always been by favorite way of commuting. But eating from the pantry while travelling, a big no noShame on you. Me and my friends were on a trip to Kerala for attending one of my friend’s brother’s wedding. When we left for Kerala we had our dinner in the comfort of our home because it was a 10pm train. Little did we know about ‘The Railway Pantry’ apart from that ‘Anniyan’ Ambi (Aparichit in Hindi) refused to eat because the Rasam was watery, Papad was like kerchief and Sambar was directly disproportional to the amount of rice.

   A day in the boat house in Alapuzha, attending the marriage, 3 days of good food and the act of emptying the pockets of our beloved hosts, we had a lot of fun. We had a train to board that evening . Hence we had to have dinner in the train at the mercy of ‘The Railway Pantry’.

   Like the Lamb that is waiting to be beheaded in front of Lord Kali we called up the pantry guy. My friend Ravi as asked the pantry guy for the menu.

Ravi: Sir! what do you have for dinner?

Pantry Guy: Money Eyes Dosa, chapatti, Veg rice, Egg rice, chicken chapatti…..

Me: Look guys, we know the veg rice is filled with rice bullets and with no veggies. The dosa, one need not say anything about how lousy it would be.Thinking

Ravi:  Zip it Venky , chapatti is the only thing left, we shall have veg chapatti and non veg guys can have chicken chapatti. Give me X veg chapattis and Y chicken chapattis please

Pantry Guy: We will give the order in 30 minutes

Me: (said to myself) Rolling EyesNever in my life i dreamed  whether a chapatti was veg or non-veg.

 

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   30 minutes passed by and the guy came in with the food packets. There were 2 chapattis and a yellow color potato mash in the “veg chappati” and non-veg one contained a chicken piece. This took him 30 minutes? One bite Sick and the non-veg guys threw their chicken pieces out of the train . We somehow managed to eat one chappati just to fill our growling stomach.

   After sometime everyone gave their own reason and went into the toilet in the train removed their pants and you know what they did? . The toilet didn't have a mug and this made their job much tougher. That is where the mineral water bottles came to rescue! They were used to fetch water. Me and another friend of mine Ashwath steered clear of “Mango juice”. Me thanks to my immunity and him because he didn't let the fucking chapatti fuck his stomach.  This wasn’t first time we had mango juice. Yes, “Mango juice” is what we call loose motion.

This was how the comedy cops took their revenge. You can see this Facebook album of mine and see the comedy cops doing their stuff here

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   Way back when we were studying 11th class, a mean guy mixed some loose motion pills in Ice cream. We stupidly accepted that offer from him and paid the price. We all went to the toilet in the school without each other’s knowledge and the next day we found out that we all were Tataanked (In our lingo it means ‘being screwed’ or “befuddled”) and had a good laugh.That is where the name came ‘Mango Juice’ came from.

   The point of this whole incident being blogged is to let people throughout know how the Largest Network Of Railway is being run. Ours being the largest network makes the job tougher, but that does not mean it is something impossible. The Food and amenities provided by the Railways are pathetic. A part of the blame should also go to us. Many people dont care to flush the toilets they use or throw the wastes in the dust bin. No wonder railways stations are highly polluted. Let us do our bit to help the authorities by not urinating and littering at the stations and hope they will do their job.

Before I go I would like to share this blog I found through Indivine. It is called Tooned life. The blog contains cartoons on various topics from Facebook to Shoaib and Sania marriage, do check this out.


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Saturday, April 3, 2010

Fool

This post has been published by me as a part of the Blog-a-Ton 9; the ninth edition of the online marathon of Bloggers; where we decide and we write. To be part of the next edition, visit and start following Blog-a-Ton.
It was the summer holidays. That time of the year when little children waged war with each other, interestingly though, only with bat and ball.

“Hey! Nikumb, get the ball” His teammates yelled at him as the ball fell into one of the houses surrounding the ground. Nikumb was distraught as it was yet another match were he didn’t bowl. Moreover, it fell into Radhika Aunty’s house, that is one more reason why he refused to go. They somehow pressured him into to getting the ball. The deal was, by doing so he would get a chance to bowl in the next match.

The first impression you make lasts longer than you think. When he was given the ball in his first match he ran in like Akhtar and bowled at the pace of a Venkatesh Prasad's slower one. He batted like Glen McGrath, bowled like Dravid and fielded like Ramesh Powar. That is one combination you wouldn’t want to have. He also looked like a mini Ramesh Powar.

He slowly strutted towards Radhika aunty’s house.


Before he could start to ask, she shouted “You fools! How many times will you people hit the ball here”

Nikumb replied “Sorry aunty, if I bowled, it would go over your apartment can you suggest my name” cheekily

“My foot! You kids broke the window. Who will pay for it”

“Aunty I am not so sure about that, it seems to be made of wood”

“ Nothing doing! I wont give the ball” Said the stubborn lady

“Please aunty! Please!” said a puppy dog faced Nikumb

“Dont bring your puppy dog face once again. This is the last time” as she finally gave up.
Nikumb walked back with a sense of pride. Raja, the captain of his team said “Mr Speedy Gonzalez, we bought a new ball. You wont get a bowl hahaha”

Melvin, another team mate of his, noticed Nikumb’s shrinking face,  “You bowl like a dream. But the problem is that the dream is a nightmare. Practice hard, you will get sweet dreams”

Nikumb went back home and googled everything about bowling. He mugged the basics like he did never before. If only, he had put this much into his exams, it would have been a lot better.


The next morning, he got up early and went to his backyard. He then drew the stumps on the wall and placed a leaf in the area, he wanted to pitch the ball. He bowled and bowled and bowled. He did the same for a week or so. But still he did not even manage to hit the mark once. He wasn't excellent but he graduated from a Dravid to Joginder Sharma

It was D-day and the day of the match he was looking for. It was a 10-over match and his team lost the ‘in or out challenge’ and they were sent to field. The team was doing very well; it was the end of 6th over and Raja called up Nikumb. Nikumb came sprinting and grabbed the ball. As he started to bowl, everyone came in front of him and shouted “ April fool! You are not going to bowl today, it was a prank. Didn't you see the calendar, it is April 1. I will give you the chance on April 31” Nikumb replied “I will be waiting for that day” Everyone laughed at Nikumb’s folly. 

Melvin came up to Nikumb and said “Look! I am going to fake that I cant bowl today and ask them to give you the chance. Don't let me down”

Only one wicket was remaining, Melvin, as promised, faked that he cant bowl and suggested Raja to let Nikumb bowl. His team mate Pratik came up to Raja and said “Let him bowl it is ok even if we lost the match. It is only a friendly match” That really fired up Nikumb because Pratik didn't know anything about cricket. He would bowl a full toss and call it Yorker and believed reverse swing made the ball pitch and turn back towards the bowler. That was even worse than what Nikumb was.

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This time it was for real. Nikumb ran in and bowled the first ball. The tailender closed his eyes and prayed Lord Ganesh and a gave a wild swing and it went for a six. Oh! Not all over again. Nikumb got stares from everyone but for Melvin. He said “Look Nikumb! bowl a bouncer. He would never hit that in his life. If you dont know how to bowl it. You just act as if your were breaking a coconut for Ganesha” Nikumb smiled at him and ran in to bowl. He tried to bowl a bouncer but only that it was a much more fuller. It turned to be a ‘Yorker’ and tattank, went the stumps. Melvin ran to him shouting “you lucky b*****d”. He bowled 2 balls and both were of extremes. One, a sixer and another, a Yorker.

The target was a meagre 63. But as fate would have all but one wicket was left. That wicket was of the great Nikumb, who gave Chris Martin a run for his money as the world’s worst batsman. It was the 8th over and only 4 runs were needed. All he had to do was to give the strike to Raja who was going great guns. But scoring a run in his “Merrian Webster dictionary” meant it was like getting a reply on twitter from a celebrity, very tough and unlikely.

Ball 1: Nikumb had a whack but only ends up fanning some air to the fielders
Ball 2: ditto and more air
Ball 3: ditto and much more air
Ball 4: Nikumb thought of Radhika aunty and whacked the ball. It connected, hurray he edged it and it was a single
Ball 5: Raja was on strike. Bang! it was a 4

That was it, the match was over and Raja hit the finishing runs.  Raja then said “Nikumb I underestimated you. Perhaps you will get more chances now” Life has this way of kicking on the back side or patting on your back when you least expect. Nikumb was delighted and he never forgot that day because that was when he picked his first wicket and scored his first run and earned some respect from his mates. His team mates thought it was “fools Day” but no one knew that it was “The day of the so- called Fool”

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