Thursday, July 20, 2017

Rekka katti parakuthaiyya Nimbus

0 blesses 'n' curses
When I were a kid, my father used to keep me in his lap and tell stories. All the stories would be me saving people, wearing a "power shoe", tossing groundnuts into my mouth, riding an "Oo ve si" (USA) cycle to the crime scene.

The first memory of me trying to actually ride a cycle was when I used to visit my grandmother's thatched home. There used to be shops dedicated for letting cycles on hire. I would give 2 rupees, hire a cycle for an hour and try to ride it, but to no avail. My mother then got me an used ladies cycle to learn cycling. After innumerable number of falls and jamming the cycle into the curb, I learned to cycle. I rode that cycle to my school with so much pride. That feeling of having grown up. 

After moving to a new house, new neighborhood and new school, my parents decided to buy me a cycle. My first proper cycle was a "Hercules Top Gear" with 5 gears aka The Black Panther. All the kids at school would muck around with the gears, leading to it's eventual demise. Even though I had a new cycle, now and then I would hire cycles for an hour to ride the cycles with the High handle bar, like the ones on cruiser bikes. I eventually got one fitted on my cycle, after all the hire cycle shops closed down. I meddled with the cycle so much that it broke down. I had 4 different handle bars, 3 types of seats, got rid of the gears, tried to spray paint my cycle and many more. World had moved on to mopeds and motorbikes, but I was still cycling my way. I was riding cycles up until 2014, when I used the big Hercules cycle to commute from my Intern office to my home. August 14th, 2014 was last day I rode a cycle. I moved on to get a TVS Wego aka Black Panther 2.0 

I decided to get myself a cycle and bought, Kross Maximus. I am still trying to fit a high bar to have a comfy ride. I have named it "Flying nimbus", the cloud that Goku used to travel in his early ages. It was totally a different feeling ,when I rode a cycle after a long time, having used a scooter for 2 years.

There is this sense of calmness and peace that I get while riding a cycle. The world around me takes a back seat. The best of thinking is done when I am riding my cycle, not bothered by anyone. If only life happened where I am eternally cycling and at the peak state of my consciousness

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Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Choosing your battles

0 blesses 'n' curses
Watched Bahubali recently. I liked how the filmmaker conceived the situations where the characters are emotionally torn apart to make the right decision. There are no right decisions in certain circumstances. You will just have to choose one and live with the consequences.

Also it majorly sucks to be Palvazhathevan. He yearns all his life to become the kingdom's main man. He not just dreams, but works so hard towards to it, only to see his foster brother take over the crown. Then he wants to marry a woman he likes, only for the woman to be swooped over again by his foster brother, albeit she loved Bahubali. He is then given the kingdom, but not quite the king. He is second fiddle to Bahubali, in that as well. But my loyalties swayed away from Palvazhathevan, after the very dark portrayal of him in the latter half of the story.

If there is one quality that I would like to possess, it would be to choose my battles. I have the habit of being skeptical when I feel that people are stating the wrong facts. I go out of my way to prove them wrong and show them the real facts (according to me). It has earned me a reputation that I am a sort of a person who argues against everything.

Yesterday, I did something which I haven't realized myself doing in long time. I was about start an argument and then quickly my mind censured it. The question I asked myself was, "What am I going to achieve by doing that?" To think of it, nothing good would come of it. The other person is not going to magically correct their uninformed opinion, rather they would be offended. However, most of the time I find myself getting pulled into an argument and fight all the battles. I get a high out of proving others, wrong. At the same time I am ready to humbly accept defeat if I am proved wrong (Only if I think so)

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0 blesses 'n' curses
Vulnerability - (noun) the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.
No one is perfect, we all have cracks in our personalities. There are always shortcomings (or) gaps in our knowledge. Only when you "acknowledge" those gaps, you will be able to overcome them. I have always been the first person to admit to the gaps in my knowledge, for I always seek bridge them. I am not one bit embarrassed or insecure to admit that "I don't know" and it always ends with "I want to learn". However, I cannot say the same thing when it comes to emotional vulnerability. I for one, have a contrasting view on this. I have never showed my emotional vulnerability until very recently and I totally regret it.

There is always a breaking point for everyone, winter of 2015 was the lowest point of my life and it did me in. Scars may have healed, but have not vanished. All my life, I have been subconsciously taught to never show my emotional weakness to anyone. My first impulse has always been to mask it. If given a chance, I will go back in time and stop myself from breaking and showing my emotional vulnerability. I believe in keeping dependence to bare minimum and most things under my control. Being emotionally vulnerable totally goes against my vein, because I am taking things from my control and voluntarily giving the power to destroy. Just the thought that someone can do that to me emotionally makes me so uncomfortable.

However I admit, when someone shows their vulnerability to me, I get touched. Easiest way to win me over is to show the remotest of trust in me. Just the fact that they exposed themselves to me, is enough for me to blindly trust them, commit myself totally and give the "destructo button" that they gave me, right back to them. Honestly, I don't believe everyone will think have the same thought process.

I believe the ideal state I should move to, is to fully realize my emotional weakness and seal the gaps without any intervention from the outside world. It is like a batsman being found out by the bouncer. The only way out is to paper over the cracks and not reveal another.

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Tuesday, June 6, 2017


0 blesses 'n' curses
One fine Sunday evening I was watching the final episode of "hunter x hunter" and Ging uttered the words that would resonate with the core of my existence....

I met the oldest friend who is in my life right now, when I was strolling along the street one day. Fate decided we would play Ashes 1999 cricket and Brian Lara cricket 2000 for hours together and that would then evolve into us playing for hours and hours breaking windows (physical) now and then. It was always the two of us. We were the outcast because we sucked at it so much back then.

The first time I met the closest friend I have right now, we quarreled over, me swearing at him. Umpteen number of walks and strolling the cycle back home, we found each other to be great companions. Those 3 years, everywhere he went, I went. Everywhere I went, he came. He challenged me at everything I did, took me along and fought for my opportunities. All I did was, listen patiently to whatever he had to say. Circumstances would have us part our own ways, much like the road where he would go right and I would go left. It never stopped us from being friends and bickering for every thing in world.

I realized that friendship need not only be between just two people, it can be much more than that. I went from reluctantly hanging out with them because we were from the same class, to people for whom I would swear my life for. We don't meet that often these days, but whenever we do, it is fun and fun only. This is probably the benchmark I will never touch in the future. A collective relationship devoid of ego, possessiveness and obligation to tell each other anything. What more a gift, can one hope for, than to speak his mind without being judged or vilified.

During college I wanted to keep myself occupied and I would pen my thoughts down and post it on my blog. I wanted my thoughts to be read by as many people as possible. I would search blogger profiles and to read the blogs and post comments on other people's blogs. That's where I found a crazy soul who wrote about "Arisi Upma - Risotto", whom i would go on share everything I wanted to blurt out and also be the Dexter to her Deedee.

Right when I totally gave up and assumed that I will never make anymore friends, I met another person with whom I will quarrel and bicker till my teeth go away. To be honest I only wanted to do tech support to fix her laptop, meddle and take apart the fittings and analyse it. I just wanted to try out Windows 8.1 on it. The first time we met, I didn't bother to speak, now I can't stop speaking. She took me under her wing during one of the hardest phases of my life and gave the push to the rolling stone.

I chose none of these relationships. At beginning I never wanted any of them, I just grew fond of them and all of them enriched my being in unique ways. Whenever I did go after what I want, the journey and people whom I gathered for achieving that want, far outweighed the want itself.

The culture we grew up and the one people are growing up, vastly puts emphasis on one's wants and
how they should be satisfied at any cost. That undying passion to reach the goal at whatever cost and when it gets satisfied, go for another, get stuck in the vicious cycle and spiral into oblivion. If you pursue anything other than what you want, you are said to be cheating yourself. You are somehow seen as a lesser being.  A job has now become a thing that should give you satisfaction apart from wealth. Whenever I hear someone crib about how uninteresting their job is, I want to yell "DO YOUR JOB! JUST DO THE FUCK OUT OF IT". This world functions because people do their jobs, at least most of them. Granted that some jobs are more interesting than others, but do your job. It doesn't have to give you satisfaction. You get the work done and move on. That is how our civilization has lasted over thousands of years.

...One fine Sunday evening I was watching the final episode of "hunter x hunter" and Ging uttered the words that would resonate with the core of my existence.
"You should enjoy the little detours to the fullest. Because that’s where you’ll find the things more important than what you want.”
Tears rolled down my eyes. It was the feeling where you knew something already and one shift here and one shift there, the puzzle is complete. So, here I am waiting for the next detour.

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