An Irksome Story told to a 7 yr old
My 7 yr old cousin Aarthi, Stayed back at our place a few days back. She wanted me to tell her a story. The freak’s grey matter was in search mode now. It found a theme and built up on it. The result was the remix of Mahabharata, MAHABOREATHA.
I started, “ There were two Rap gangs” only to be interrupted, “ what is a rap Venky?”. I replied in only the way i can, “ good question ;You say rhymes, don't you? Eat a kozhukattai and say that very fast, that is rapping ” She gave a big grin
I continued with my incessant crap talk . “The 2 rap gangs were Funky Five Pan Doves and Giant Gs. The Funky five were Top Dogg Dhamn, ARJ, Bheems, Nak and Sak. The GGs were many in number but notable were DJ Duri and his bro DJ Douche. All of them honed their rapping skills at Deadly Drone’s Rap class. ARJ was the best of the lot.
It all was hunky dory until Big Daddy D composed a Dapaang Kuthu ( A style of folk music in Tamil Nadu). The advisor of Daddy D was Big Poppa B-eesh. Both the gangs wanted to remix that Dapaang kuthu but Uncle Pan Doo wanted GG’s to get the right to remix”
Not to my surprise i was questioned again in her baby voice “Venky what is remix?”.I defined remix as a song whose real music is added with some fast beats, i mean that ‘dup dup’ sound at faster pace and some funky noises in English, between the lyrics. How is that for a definition?
I continued “There was a problem of who will get the right to remix. ARJ’s friend, Kool Krish sided their way and told he would help them defeat the GGs. Uncle Pan doo, Big Poppa B-eesh and Drone sided GGs way. They were further beefed up with the addition of the Super Rapper Kar Rant. He raps his rants, a good guy at heart, only one to rival ARJ.
The competition was that whoever plays the loudest rap and gets the most foul words from the passers by and people devoid of sleep at night wins the right to remix. The Stage was set at the mini everglades at our street ages back
“Stay Tuned for the next episode of MAHA –BORE -ATHA” i mocked Dragon Ball Z.Aarthi then threatened me “If you dont tell me now i will cry and every one will abuse you”. Hearing this i had mixed feelings a:that a soul likes this and b:fear at the prospect of being abused if i dont continue. With all things taken in mind I decided to break the break and continued.
Big Poppa B rapped his Vishnu Sahasranamam, only to score an OG because everyone praised him. Top Dogg Dhamn and Deadly Drone followed suit scoring OG's for their respective factions, as they were good at heart and people praised them as well. Pan Doo came in and remixed the Vishnu Sahasranamam and evened the odds, negating the OG's scored by the Ol'dies.
DJ Duri was smart enough to sense Kool Krish's plans and sent his lil bro DJ Douche. DJ Douche was rapping horriblly and teased women. Kool krish heard their cries and pulled the already below waist pants of DJ Douche even lower.
Nak and Sak took advantage of this and rapped " Liar Liar Pants on Fire" and got back abuse from GGs who were more than 100 in number. Then Came Kar rant rapping his rant and stealing the show. Kool krish rapped something secretly to ARJ. ARJ quickly remixed the remix version of “Aap ka Suroor” and defeated Kar Rant , which he called Himmesh Astharam.
DJ Duri was wrecking havoc and gulping abuses, Bheems, the drummer started beating the drums and DJ Duri's voice was unheard and Bheems defeated DJ Duri. The Funky Five Pan Doves Remixed the song and lived happily ever after. But the people in the colony slept sadly ever after, that night.
After this i was confronted with some questions only a child can ask.
Aarthi: how big is Kool Krish. Is he ‘2nd standard’ big?
Venky: age? 2nd standard. When did he go to school?
Aarthi: I saw his picture in the puja room, he looked like 2nd standard boy.
Venky: OK , thats was when he was young. All the gang members are of working age, they have finished college; Drone, Poppa, Daddy D and Pan doo are retirement age Granps. Understood ?
Mom: Venky will you stop this nonsense ?
Venky: hey U…, talkin to me ?
Mom : now leave . Aarthi sleep don’t listen to this moron
Disclaimer: Any resemblance to epic is not coincidental and is intentional. Just have a laugh like my cousin did