Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Venkatadora the explorer

   Travelling is something I really like to do. There are two kinds of travel, travel just for the sake of travelling and then travelling for official purpose. I hate the latter so much, I once offered to quit the articleship I was undergoing. I used to watch Dora the explorer while I was taking care of my, then 8 year old cousin. I badly wanted to induce some fun into to my boring life. What I did was follow a pattern that is followed in Dora the explorer while travelling back from my office to home. I call it "Venkatadora - The explorer"

  After making sure that no one had a clue what i was doing, I was wondering what to play as the Venkatadora song. Dora was girly she would sing
"VAnga nanbargaLe! Ellorum onna povom! Muyarachi thiruvinai aakum! MuyandrAl sAdhikka mudiyum! Enga nAmA porom? *clap clap clap* Poli Venkateshawara Boli stall ku "
  But the Venkatadora is badass, keeping that poker face "hey come on!" kinda guy. So I played "Brock Lesnar's entrance theme on my phone and walked all the way hulking up like this.

  The idea was I would go through various check points and complete challenges and then move onto the next check point.

  The First check point was "Poli Venkateshwara Boli Stall" I digress and tell you this, if you know anything about West Mambalam, you would know that there is a Venkateshwara boli stall every God damn street. They are the Nairs of the Bajji and Boli world. The Poli Venkateshwara Boli stall is situated next to the branch office of the H.O which is in Arya Gowder Road. The Challenge was to buy "vengaya Bajji" which costs Rs 4 and get the change back and not barter that with a rupee worth mini-samosa. If I dont get the change, I would give him more money and eat the "medhu bonda" stuffed with all the "kadala Maavu" in the world and go without fluids till the next stop. Thankfully I got the one rupee change and tasted the delicious vengaya bajji.

  I walked via veerasammy street to Arya Gowder and then to Viji Chaat. Please excuse the absurdity, the challenge was to save the kachori from the Motta mama who was eating Bhel puri without onion and I can see him staring at one of the kachoris wanting to eat them.( Draw a parallel to Nan Kadavul Arya eating Pooja) I rushed in before the Motta mama and got the kachori. The Shopkeeper asked "One is enough ah?!" I gave him the "you will become big da" look and started eating the kachori. By the way this is their menu

I was actually picturing the kachori uttering "KondrAl pAvam thindrAl pochu! EAT ME". Oh my God, how dumb was I? That's rhetoric by the way, don't answer it.

My stomach now had one kachori and one onion bajji. The stomach was dangling as I was hulking up my way playing Brock's theme. I bumped into one of my old friend who finished his MBA finance. There is a "kulla Nari" in Dora the explorer which tries to steal. What Dora does is ask the audience what to do, stare and then answer it herself.
"If kulla Nari should not steal means say Kull nari dont steal! Kulla Nari dont steal!"
And the Kulla Nari goes
"Me ah?! Stealing ah? Aiyyo! I dont know! leave me!"
My dirty mind wanted to simulate with him. I wanted to chat with him without him sniffing my Chaat breath and then ask for a treat. Yes. I am evil like that. As I intently pretended to listen whatever shit he was saying, my thoughts were elsewhere in Bajji land. The angels were feeding me Molaga bajji in the Venkateshwara boli stallpuram and Bajj's hung like Mangoes from a banyan tree! chi! Mango tree.

I started asking question about NPV, IRR, TFM, EPS and all that crap. I can catch him mindvoicing
"MBA finance ah? Aiyyo Me ah? I dont know! leave me"
Fresh from the success of driving away the kulla Nari, I bought the Molaga bajji from the original Venkateshwara boli stall. I was trying to eat the hot as in "karam" and hot as in "soodu" molaga bajji without shedding a drop of tear but ended up sweating profusely.

No, my obstacles werent over! I have to go through, the Masala Puri kadai, OSB Chaat and bai kadai. As I was asking to put extra pepper in my masala puri, I noticed two people fighting in the road after an accident had occured. One guy was bleeding and he had a figure sitting behind. Obviously he was putting too much scene like it didnt hurt. The guy who fell down, immediately checked his mobile! Dude! Are you seeing whether someone saw this comedy and texted you? Like really? The most dominant thought in my mind was "Dude! You have to eat this before that effin guy stops bleeding or you lose!" I won the match via DQ. That effin guy wiped the blood off! Cheating!

My stomach was like "Dude! How much more will you stuff in? I am not dhobhi's sac" I had to eat that effing kachori filled with curd or else I will be exhausting one of the 7 lives I had, that's how i saw it. Even an Ultimate Warrior promo made much more sense than my self-made obstacles.

From postal colony via ram colony I reached my lair. Oh wait! I had to spend all the money I had! I went to Bai kadai and bought Butter milk with whatever money I had and then rest were added to my dad's account.

After all the obstacles, I had to utter that magic sentence! That enlighting sacred note " Finally Finallly! The Venk has comeback...... HOME" As I yelled that my mom shouted "vanditiya?!" I swear to God, her expression was like "When will you go away you over grown fruit"

Perhaps I should have named this post "Venkadhodhgajan - the explorer" Nah! That wouldn't work!

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Monday, May 28, 2012

Mindvoice Catching

        During one of those Share Auto rides back home from the exam centre near Panagal park, I was wondering, we always look the world through our eyes. How would it look from someone else's perspective?" Like always I drifted from the deep 'We should put ourselves in others shoes' to "I am so bored let me hate this guy" mode. I was trying to catch the mind voices of people and guess what would they be thinking. Pardon the language, there is absolutely no censorship to the mind.

  Hmm! Lets start with the Auto driver who was honking continously when the Share Auto driver was picking people up at the signal. There is some legit heat between the Auto and Share Auto drivers because the share autos were putting auto drivers out of business. The Auto driver must be thinking "Dei Baadu! I let you in my house and you corrected my wife and you're running with her! thoo" One should understand the metaphors from that by lifting the Kasamusa veil. As my mom would say "Onda vanda pidari ah oor pidariya thorathina kadha" For Non-tamils, exactly what Whites did to the Red Indians.

A mami who was sitting in the auto, "To whom shall i ask "when da you will get married??? Ha! pakathu veetu kichha yay! Oh He is married no? Then I will ask "When is the good news?" or Ava athula Rasam ah illa mor kozhamba? Ava Or pudi enna panra?"

One appavi guy sitting like he ate ginger, "Whether the Share Auto driver will charge Rs 10 or Rs 15"  The Share auto driver asks Rs 15 and the guy goes "motherfuckaaa!" in his mind

A korean set guy with funk and cow dung colored hair playing "venaam machaan venaam" loudly and putting HANS in his right cheek, "Haiyoo! How many figures will I correct with my look and newly bought korean set from richie street!" 

   Talking of Korean set guys, let us shift the scene to the Tirusoolam railway station where a Korean set guy is getting down from the running train, "How many figures saw my dastardly act" He then pushes the moving train and footboards into the running train "grrrr Feel my power girl! Hulk! pushhh" All the local figures go "wow! See him di hoahah" accompanied with an asattu sirippu and the snobby figures go "Why didn't Tsunami lift these blackguards" and the Korean set guy sports a "I was not at beach during Tsunami-look"

Ok enough of Korean set guys. The next day, I was writing some shit about "Intrusion detection systems" like AVG, Avast and Malwarebytes Anti malware are good and windows firewall sucks and some unrelated shit to fill up the pages in the Information Technology and Strategic Management paper. Suddenly a thought crossed my mind. We dread exams. We bitch about exams boring us. We say we write stories during exam. We say we cannot copy because of the invigilator. We complain that we need to park our ass in the bench for 3 hrs. But but but! Have you ever imagined the plight of the invigilator while you are out there spreading shit on your answer sheets that no human being has any clue whatsoever. TNEB cuts power 2hrs a day, we go crazy and wonder what to do. But this pitiful thing cannot use cell phone or roam outside or keep on drawing and erasing a graph/flowchart and keep repeating till the paper tears, like you do. They must be totally pissed off, mustn't they?

A student is writing some shit like "Charles babage is the father of 1st generation computers and 1st generation computer is the father of 2nd generation computers and that's why Charles Babbage is the grand father of 2nd generation computers" when asked about 1st generations Computers in their Infotech exams. The invigilator at the back goes "Another waste of space on this earth! GO DIE! I will sue the hospital you were born in. The Doctor is a sinner!"

One of the few thrills that an examiner can seek in an exam hall is when they get a chance to catch the bugger who's cheating. The Invigilator sees a guy with an imaginary "I am a porukki" written all over his face. He/She is standing near him and observing the person writing the "question" which is in the "question paper" on the answer paper and adding the "mean by" and "is called". The invigilator goes "Arggh! Take it! Take it damn it! You tool! You cant pass 1st grade with that reasoning skills, you Idiot! Suck a nigerian fallace you faggot!"

Also the time when they yell "Students its time, tie the papers together", but what they really want to tell is "Tie that paper you fuck face! Tie it! I cant watch your shitty faces any more! Ah! 5 more minutes!? Come on you cunt! GIVE IT GIVE IT!"

 When I was thinking all this the Invigilator patted me and said "Time for Part-1 of the paper is over,haven't  you started the next part" Looks like the invigilator heard my mind voice.

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