Experiments with self

When you don't have a proper job, you make things up to keep yourself occupied. Especially when you are as jobless as I am, mucking about with the friendly neighbourhood street dog and having bad blood with the unfriendly neighbourhood pomeranian piece of shit, I digress. So I decided to do 3 experiments on myself.

Just to sound like a proper director introducing the audience to an obscure flashback or a plot poin. at the beginning of the movie with a wicked screenplay, I am going to describe an incident which you will come to know at the end, when I throw light on it. Mind la vechikeenga!

Feb 7, 2016, Sunday. 

I was waiting for my Aunt and her daughter at Theevu Thidal. I spotted a sugar cane juice stall next to the parking lot manned by a geezer who was as scruffy as I was when I didn't bath for a week during the floods. The sugar cane juice was like what I would describe as left over surf water from the dirty clothes bucket. Appearances are deceptive, I said to myself. After all, Seetha pazham looks like phlegm but tastes wicked innit? I took a sip of it. It actually tasted like soap water, which I once "accidentally" drank from the soap soaked water bottles. What is better than soap water sugar cane juice? A soap water sugar cane juice mixed with ice cubes. Hence I asked for the ice. The guy decided to wash his dirty hands with even more dirtier water. Somehow he thought that the dirtiest of the water would merge with the dirtiness in his hands and it would be that dirty, even the viruses and bacteria wouldn't hang about. He then broke the ice with a stick he pulled from underneath the table and put the ice in my glass. Guess what, I drank it anyway.

The other day I was thinking we wouldn't tweet or text someone if we had some person with us all the time to talk to and share our thoughts. Why do we have to communicate? Why cant we keep things to ourselves? What is the point of putting it across on the internet? I didn't even have a phone until I completed college. After all, it was that way, not too long ago. Our generation has been in the twilight, getting much insight into this issue, more than others. We spent most part of our childhood not having any of the communication facilities that we have today, yet we got through pretty well.

The constant checking of whatsapp messages, refreshing of twitter timeline and checking of Facebook updates and notifications were getting on my nerves. It suddenly dawned on me as to why was I doing this?  I decided to stay away from these things for a week, just to know how I would react to not being able to communicate every thought to someone or the other instantly. No more whatsapping or posting nonsensical status updates on twitter or Facebook to escape the loneliness . I just wanted to be a person and not initiate any conversation with another human being for a week.

The experiment turned out be a damp squib, as most of the things I plan. I just cannot wrap my head around people who are positive all the time and make plans accordingly. Every time I try to be positive, all I get is just disappointment. Your mind just thinks that everything shall happen the way you'd see it. You have path charted, right in your head as to how things would pan out and it almost always ends up not going that way. On the other hand if you were pessimistic or realistic about stuff , whatever happens ends up as a surprise and you almost always, never get disappointed. Why would anyone want to be positive and put themselves through the torture of constant disappointment due their over expectations on anything and everything?

It was like a classic case of "bring your umbrella it doesn't rain and forget it at home, it pours". On the week that I tried to separate myself from people was probably the most calls I got from people and the least lonely I've felt. Someone or other called me everyday. I went with a friend who finished work early, to 2 ponds and 2 lakes at Pallikaranai, of which 1 pond and 1 lake were in me humblest of opinion (excuse me french) gigantic pile of A grade human shit. I was also privy to watching a proper wicked sunset from terrace, saw the moon rise and gaze at whatever little stars that were visible.

Nesavalar Nagar lake

Ambal Nagar pond

Sunset from the terrace.
I then decided to go a day without consuming food. Please keep in mind I am a guy who weighs 95 kilos. I am pretty sure one wouldn't weigh that much if one exercised normally, while consuming food. I wanted to know whether I can take such a hit. It is one thing to sink yourself into work or something and not eat, but it's totally another to always yearn of food and not be able to eat it. Numerous commentaries have been written on hunger by great minds, hence I need not expand further. The last few hours were the hardest. Especially when you have that "thaval dosai" sitting in front of you and your mother is asking you to eat it and I am like,

and all you want to do is stuff your mouth with thaval dosai and I did....when the 24 hrs ended. It just lets you know what hunger actually feels like, not your first world hunger but proper "Loon on street who didn't eat hunger". The feeling further reinforces how blessed we are to actually be in position to have 3  meals a day.

 I decided to reward myself the next day by walking to West Mambalam and consume copious amounts of bajjis at Mama kadai apposite to Ayodhaya Mandapam, Kachoris at OSB. What's that Mama going on about, mate! That geezer was well grumpy and moaned like Karl Pilkington for every God damn thing I asked him. I had to excuse him for the bajjis though.

This was also the week I had to attend an interview at a big organisation for the first time, which I waited for quite a time. My stomach was on fire, as I sincerely was not expecting this and didn't have a clue. I had to relax the (failed) experiments rules by adding a Proviso-1 "In case of emergency everything is workoutable" and sent few emails, called the HR and made a call to a friend for help. Boy! what a help it was of. Though I badly messed up the interview at first and somewhat recovered during the end, it was now a relief that I finally put that one past me. To quote Mr Paul Heyman

"You cannot achieve success if you fear failure, if you're not afraid to fail, man! you have a chance to succeed. But you're never not gonna get there unless you risk it all the way. Sometimes half the fun is failing. Learning from your mistake, waking up the next day saying, Hey watch out, here I come, licking my wounds and really not looking forward to getting my ass kicked like yesterday. So now I am a little more dangerous" 

The weekend was spent fully with friends, playing cricket, eating at Gujarati Mandal, reminiscing old memories watching photos and videos of ourselves, watching cricket where I was constantly foul mouthing the Sri Lankan cricketers, especially daring Sachitra Senanayake

"Nee oru appanukku porandhirundeena, otha half kai shirt pottu bowling podu da".

I know I am being totally biased and incorrigible when I say this, but let me be that. I believe this is how SL selectors pick their (sly) cricketers

"WTF, you bowl without using your fingers? Nee dhan da venum"

"Fuckinell, you hold your bat with your mouth? Vaaya! Vaaya!"

"Tha! You bowl a slow ball using three fingers and call it namam delivery? Strike bowler!"

"Player: Ji! Naan vaaile catch pudipen! naanu?
 Selector: You're the keeper, direct ah IND vs SL match la papom."

 You must be wondering this cheeky little fucka was saying he did 3 experiments, but he has revealed only 2. This is the point where I will the link the flash back and you will marvel at me geniusnessness and write twitlonger posts. When people were trying to get words of their chest to confess their louvv during the weekend, I was trying to get the phlegm out of my throat thanks to the sugar cane juice that I experimented on self. (Also note the Seetham Pazham ref in para 3, Safe!)

In this day of age where we are incredibly connected with each other and never alone, it's quite befuddling that we a feel lonely. Michael Collins who was one of the three men who went on a manned mission to the moon was probably the loneliest man for a small amount of time. Unlike the other two, Michael didn't land on the moon, rather he was orbiting it. While orbiting the moon he lost all contact with mankind for about 45 minutes. That is probably the farthest any human has ever been from communication to another human. But then, do distances really matter? Criminals are put in solitary confinement, they are just a stone's throw away from communicating to another soul. Perhaps it would be even more agonizing because it's a case of so near yet so far.

So, getting back to the initial question, why do we have this urge to share our thoughts with other human beings? Rather than the fact that we want to be celebrities in our own right, may be it's the kid in ourselves which craves for constant attention from its mother. May be we just grew out of the innocence and we are just stuck now with the constant craving for attention, just may be.

I want to end this one with a quote from Into the wild
Happiness is true, only when it is shared


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