Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Choosing your battles

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Watched Bahubali recently. I liked how the filmmaker conceived the situations where the characters are emotionally torn apart to make the right decision. There are no right decisions in certain circumstances. You will just have to choose one and live with the consequences.

Also it majorly sucks to be Palvazhathevan. He yearns all his life to become the kingdom's main man. He not just dreams, but works so hard towards to it, only to see his foster brother take over the crown. Then he wants to marry a woman he likes, only for the woman to be swooped over again by his foster brother, albeit she loved Bahubali. He is then given the kingdom, but not quite the king. He is second fiddle to Bahubali, in that as well. But my loyalties swayed away from Palvazhathevan, after the very dark portrayal of him in the latter half of the story.

If there is one quality that I would like to possess, it would be to choose my battles. I have the habit of being skeptical when I feel that people are stating the wrong facts. I go out of my way to prove them wrong and show them the real facts (according to me). It has earned me a reputation that I am a sort of a person who argues against everything.

Yesterday, I did something which I haven't realized myself doing in long time. I was about start an argument and then quickly my mind censured it. The question I asked myself was, "What am I going to achieve by doing that?" To think of it, nothing good would come of it. The other person is not going to magically correct their uninformed opinion, rather they would be offended. However, most of the time I find myself getting pulled into an argument and fight all the battles. I get a high out of proving others, wrong. At the same time I am ready to humbly accept defeat if I am proved wrong (Only if I think so)





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Vulnerability

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Vulnerability - (noun) the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.
No one is perfect, we all have cracks in our personalities. There are always shortcomings (or) gaps in our knowledge. Only when you "acknowledge" those gaps, you will be able to overcome them. I have always been the first person to admit to the gaps in my knowledge, for I always seek bridge them. I am not one bit embarrassed or insecure to admit that "I don't know" and it always ends with "I want to learn". However, I cannot say the same thing when it comes to emotional vulnerability. I for one, have a contrasting view on this. I have never showed my emotional vulnerability until very recently and I totally regret it.

There is always a breaking point for everyone, winter of 2015 was the lowest point of my life and it did me in. Scars may have healed, but have not vanished. All my life, I have been subconsciously taught to never show my emotional weakness towards anyone. My first impulse has always been to mask it. If given a chance, I will go back in time and stop myself from breaking and showing my emotional vulnerability. I believe in keeping dependence to bare minimum and most things under my control. Being emotionally vulnerable totally goes against the vein, because I am taking things from my control and voluntarily giving the power to destroy. Just the thought that someone can do that to me emotionally makes me so uncomfortable.

However I admit, when someone shows their vulnerability to me, I get touched. Easiest way to win me over is to show the remotest of trust in me. Just the fact that they exposed themselves to me, is enough for me to blindly trust them, commit myself totally and give the "destructo button" that they gave me, right back to them. Honestly, I don't believe everyone will think have the same thought process.

I believe the ideal state I should move to, is to fully realize my emotional weakness and seal the gaps without any intervention from the outside world. I realize I can never go back to the pre-winter 2015 me. It is like a batsman being found out by the bouncer. The only way out is to paper over the cracks and not reveal another.

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Tuesday, June 6, 2017

Detours

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One fine Sunday evening I was watching the final episode of "hunter x hunter" and Ging uttered the words that would resonate with the core of my existence....

I met the oldest friend who is in my life right now, when I was strolling along the street one day. Fate decided we would play Ashes 1999 cricket and Brian Lara cricket 2000 for hours together and that would then evolve into us playing for hours and hours breaking windows (physical) now and then. It was always the two of us. We were the outcast because we sucked at it so much back then.

The first time I met the closest friend I have right now, we quarreled over, me swearing at him. Umpteen number of walks and strolling the cycle back home, we found each other to be great companions. Those 3 years, everywhere he went, I went. Everywhere I went, he came. He challenged me at everything I did, took me along and fought for my opportunities. All I did was, listen patiently to whatever he had to say. Circumstances would have us part our own ways, much like the road where he would go right and I would go left. It never stopped us from being friends and bickering for every thing in world.

I realized that friendship need not only be between just two people, it can be much more than that. I went from reluctantly hanging out with them because we were from the same class, to people for whom I would swear my life for. We don't meet that often these days, but whenever we do, it is fun and fun only. This is probably the benchmark I will never touch in the future. A collective relationship devoid of ego, possessiveness and obligation to tell each other anything. What more a gift, can one hope for, than to speak his mind without being judged or vilified.

During college I wanted to keep myself occupied and I would pen my thoughts down and post it on my blog. I wanted my thoughts to be read by as many people as possible. I would search blogger profiles and to read the blogs and post comments on other people's blogs. That's where I found a crazy soul who wrote about "Arisi Upma - Risotto", whom i would go on share everything I wanted to blurt out and also be the Dexter to her Deedee.

Right when I totally gave up and assumed that I will never make anymore friends, I met another person with whom I will quarrel and bicker till my teeth go away. To be honest I only wanted to do tech support to fix her laptop, meddle and take apart the fittings and analyse it. I just wanted to try out Windows 8.1 on it. The first time we met, I didn't bother to speak, now I can't stop speaking. She took me under her wing during one of the hardest phases of my life and gave the push to the rolling stone.

I chose none of these relationships. At beginning I never wanted any of them, I just grew fond of them and all of them enriched my being in unique ways. Whenever I did go after what I want, the journey and people whom I gathered for achieving that want, far outweighed the want itself.

The culture we grew up and the one people are growing up, vastly puts emphasis on one's wants and
how they should be satisfied at any cost. That undying passion to reach the goal at whatever cost and when it gets satisfied, go for another, get stuck in the vicious cycle and spiral into oblivion. If you pursue anything other than what you want, you are said to be cheating yourself. You are somehow seen as a lesser being.  A job has now become a thing that should give you satisfaction apart from wealth. Whenever I hear someone crib about how uninteresting their job is, I want to yell "DO YOUR JOB! JUST DO THE FUCK OUT OF IT". This world functions because people do their jobs, at least most of them. Granted that some jobs are more interesting than others, but do your job. It doesn't have to give you satisfaction. You get the work done and move on. That is how our civilization has lasted over thousands of years.

...One fine Sunday evening I was watching the final episode of "hunter x hunter" and Ging uttered the words that would resonate with the core of my existence.
"You should enjoy the little detours to the fullest. Because that’s where you’ll find the things more important than what you want.”
Tears rolled down my eyes. It was the feeling where you knew something already and one shift here and one shift there, the puzzle is complete. So, here I am waiting for the next detour.


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Monday, June 5, 2017

Dependence

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This was written on 09/11/2016 when I was staying in Noida - Archiving it here.

The caretaker of the company guest house met with an accident on Friday. He went to fix the mixer, with the cleaner boy and a car hit them while they were riding on the bike. Two of my colleagues had to get there and take him to the government hospital to get treatment. He was injured on the head, elbow, hand and the knee.


When I got back late at night, after work that day, I saw him lying in the corner of the hall where he usually sleeps. He was shivering. I asked him to sleep in the vacant room downstairs and then gave him the tablets which were mistakenly taken back by a colleague of mine, after leaving the caretaker back at the guest house.

We took him for the follow up check up at same Government Hospital, the next day. It was really appalling. There were not enough doctors to attend to the patient. The one's who were attending, didn't bother and were busy gaming on their mobile. The medicines were not properly prescribed and the guy who gave the tablets would nothing but yell at us after for asking him about dosage and timings of the intake of tablets. Humanity has come to such apathy and what pains me more is, there is not a single thing we can do to change it.

My thought took a tangent, they must be seeing people cut open, wounded and screaming in pain all the time. What for you is a "loved one dying or suffering" is in their eye, just a piece of flesh to be stitched together.

The guy is 48, unmarried, a staunch follower of the "Hare Rama Hare Krishna" group. He doesn't eat garlic or onion. He doesn't drink tea or coffee. He wakes up early in the morning, offers the cooked food to a customized Krishna aka Calendar and then serves food for us. What was startling to me was even at that stage, he refused to have anything that is cooked outside and he was doing his things, on his own. He told that he was worried what we will do for food, when he wont be able to cook (I am taking that on face value as always do). Let us ignore the merits of his principles for a moment. From where does one summon such strength to refuse help and stand of their own and to what for? Is it because people are pushed to the state that they have to be on their own? Is it even worth it? May be he was longing for someone to take care of him and felt vulnerable to say it.

The fear of being alone preoccupies my mind every time I meet my Chitappa. He is over 50 years old, unmarried and on his own. When I helped him move into a new rented house, I found so many stuff that were almost destroyed and he still held on to them. My athhais would urge him to dump all of it and he wouldn't budge. He reluctantly dumped the old typewriters, broken vessels, broken wooden suit case, a big old mechanical wall clock etc. He changed his mind at the last moment and brought the mechanical wall clock back saying "Edhukku kailangkadai la podanum. kammi kaasu tharuvaan. Ingeye irundhuttu porathu". I fondly remember the wall clock hanging, dang in the center of the hall at the CIT Nagar home, where we used to live and I even broke the pendulum once, trying to meddle with it. I slowly gathered that he was finding solace in the things that brought him the memories of the old times, when he was always around people. What is waste object blocking space to us, was a relic of the good times of a gone by era. He grew up with 5 siblings and a dozen uncles in a single house. From that, he has gone to living alone, albeit near by his sister, who visits him often. Perhaps his only solace.

He has been having a tough time lately. A wash basin dropped on his foot and he was not able to work for months. Once that healed, he fell on the bathroom floor and fractured his hand, which he is still nursing. I inquired as to what he does during the day and could imagine the hell he is going through. Thank goodness my athhai is near by and she is helping him out.

The biggest fear in my life is that I will end up like the caretaker. Alone, without mother or father, no friends that  we knew back then, totally out of place with the current times. In another 10 years time, I am pretty sure all of the people who knew me since birth will be thwarted out like flies. When I was a kid, I used to calculate how many years my parents would live and then cry to myself in darkness of the night. I had this weird way of using alphabets to calculate it. I don't even remember it now. Insecurities, anxieties and what not...

Not many are lucky to lead a life filled with companionship and the sad part is people take this for granted, when they have it. It is so easy to be alone and not let it bother one bit, when you are young and healthy. Things become gloomy the moment your basic activities become such a chore. When you get old and weak / old or weak, you'll understand that your arms are too short to box with time.

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Tuesday, May 23, 2017

I can't be doin with this

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I think I am relatively safe writing here. No one is going to bother. The last time I checked, this blog had 6 views per day. I was recently listening to karl's diary portions of the Rick Gervais animated podcast and it rekindled me to write a journal. Also coupled with the fact that I am wasting way to too much time on twitter and I shut it down. The constant mindless chatter, I cant be doin with that.

I am going to write down anything I find interesting or any state of mind that I want to record. It may be explicit and down right nonsense. If you are easily offended, you can please get the fuck out of my blog. Oh you're still reading? You are skin is slightly thick

I woke in the middle of a dream, today. It's always surreal when you are woken in the middle of a dream. You are dilly dallying between consciousness and fantasy. Minutes later, you just remember zilch but at the moment when you are in the dream, it is very real. I wonder we are nothing but a dream of ourselves. May be our bodies are at some cubicle and we face death when we wake from slumber. It is quite ironic that we would call death as last slumber.

I came across this article highlighting that sanitary napkins are to be charged 12% GST. The reaction of the author was "I am being charged for being a woman". Why would anyone take such a drastic chance? You are basically accusing everyone of plotting "Let's screw these women folks by taxing 12% on tampons. Fuck them, tax 20% on kaajal as well". That is totally not true. I am not supporting that move to charge GST, I am just saying that it is so much better to go "Women menstruate once a month. Women all over the country need to use tampons to absorb the blood flow. It is a basic necessity, do not tax and increase the burden on us" When someone sees such a message they would rather listen, than get irked for being called biased person. No one here is going to achieve anything by calling others names. It's a futile outrage garbage.

I was watching a documentary about Budhha in the early hours of today. There was this line "In order to gain something, you'll have to lose everything". When looking at it outwards it seems daft, but it is quite deep. The film "Into the wild" deals with that. Christopher McCandles loses all his belongings and sets a nomadic path to the wilderness of Alaska only to die a lonely death. What he gained was the gift to the world that "Happiness is only real, when it is shared" But it was rather little too late. The end was probably different with Buddha. Buddha basically told to fuck all the attachments and probably died saying it. Christopher couldn't quite be called the modern day buddha due the end he faced. 



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